Every story here is generated from the day's numbers — nobody wrote them this morning. The computation is the joke; the sentences stay flat on purpose.
The Race
3,000 simulated seasonsHow this is computed. Each team's true talent is its Pythagorean record regressed toward .500, worth about seventy games. Every remaining game is then simulated three thousand times and we count how often each team lands in the six. Every remaining game is treated as league-average opposition — real systems use the actual schedule, and ours doesn't yet. Writing that down is the difference between a model and a number.
Pythagorean expectation. Runs scored and runs allowed predict a team's record better than its record does. Teams far above the line have been winning close games, which is mostly luck and mostly stops.
Players
2026 season—
Stabilisation thresholds are the split-half r = 0.7 figures. A stat below its threshold is still mostly describing the sample, not the player.
Percentiles, expected stats and bat tracking need Baseball Savant, which has to come through a nightly ingest rather than the browser. Not in this version.
Boards
League-wideRead
Written by a personThe Morning Baseline
One email at 6am. The least likely thing that happened last night, four numbers that noticed something, and one call you can actually act on. No preamble, no recap of games you already watched.
Assembling…
The edition is built from the same generators that draw the front page, so it is never stale and nobody has to write it at 5am. Until sending is automated, copy it into whatever you send email with.
These are written, not generated — that is the whole distinction. Machines produce the numbers and the flat sentences around them. Anything with a point of view has a person behind it. House rule: the target is always a claim, a cliché or a team, and never a human being.